This Is His Life

 This is not my life. This is our lives. Our lives were like the threads of time itself; ready to be unraveled, broken, twisted then reformed again into a new thing, yet something that was completely different. Our lives were like twins in a womb- conjoined, yet not together. Such was the lives that we led, and we knew it right from the start, but now, we had no choice but to accept the fate that we were dealt. I knew someday this would happen, and he did too, but we chose to be ignorant, so the days came closer and closer, until time decided to play it's trump card. The time we spent on that faithful day was like a ray of light that shone on our boring day, but it was covered quickly. This is my story, no, our story.

  This was our last meeting, he and I knew this, but she didn't, and I was too conceited to tell her about our fates. Aaron was the only person who knew about our fates, and he tried to help us reverse this fate. As fate would have it though, life would pass the both of us by, and we would have returned back to the strangers that we were in our earlier years. So, in defiance of our fates, I fought, and took the last chance I had to clear up the mist shrouding the two of us. It was the afternoon practice for our class drama, and I met with Aaron outside the abandoned classrooms beside the field. I knew she would come here, because she always did whenever she needed time to cool her anger and disappointment. So I said, 

  "This is the end of this. I want to tell her about this, before things go out of hand, but I can't find the chance to tell her," I said to Aaron, who was very concerned about this meeting.
  "Are you sure about this? You know it won't end well right?" After Aaron had said this, I heard a voice echo through the wall of the dilapidated classroom and I knew she was eavesdropping on us. So I said with authority,
  "I'm sure. In fact, I even know she's listening to us right now. Come on out, you've been discovered."

  Aaron was a little surprised when he heard that but he hid it well under his face, and left promptly so that we could have a face-to-face, or rather, a heart-to-heart. She appeared, nervously, around the corner that hid us from the all-seeing eye of the school faculty and suddenly I felt nervous too. In that brief second of seeing her, I did something that I would regret for the rest of my life, and sure enough, I ran away from the problems that I had been dealt selfishly. She was happy sure, but I knew that the instant where the clock began to move again, she would be undeniably sad. But, knowing was the hardest part- knowing that you have hurt someone on purpose for their sake was more painful for yourself. Yet, this can't apply for a selfish action like mine.

 The next day came, and I could feel the pain that pierced her chest from the new ground that I stood on. This ground on which I stood was the faraway land of Canada, where my vegetarian brother was not present. I tried to reason with my parents to let me stay here with my brother, but they insisted on my coming because it was a better atmosphere for my health, and I would get an overall more conducive learning experience. Thus, I was doomed to live with my unrealistic infatuation with her, in a land where the realism of the relationship became more obviously impossible. This hurt me, but I had one chance left with me, and it was with a compromise with my parents. This compromise gave me the energy to cope with the advanced education in Canada.

 Time seemed so fleeting as I waited for the day where I could act on this compromise- I would go to Canada, if and only if you allow me to go and visit my friend in Malaysia. But, if she agrees to come back with me, you will allow her to stay with us until she's done with her studies here. They were very tired of arguing with me so they accepted and I tried to contact her to inform her, but it seemed that whenever I tried to do so, her phone was off or my message couldn't get sent. So, this whole trip became almost like a secret to her. I tried to contact Aaron, and he willingly gave me her address, and said that he wouldn't tell her about it, although he had doubts about my plan. So, I went onto the plane, and slept with a sigh of relief, knowing that she would return back to my life soon.

 I got off the plane when the moon had just shown it's face, and I went to the hotel that I booked in the general area of her house by a Grab car. I could feel the excitement brewing in me as I picked up my phone and dialed her number. Before I could do so though, a long list of missed calls by Aaron caught my attention, and I couldn't help but call him and ask why did he call me so many times. He was very flustered when he did pick up the phone and it sounded like he'd been panicking before I called him back. So, I asked,
  "Hey it's me, Aaron. Wait, why do you sound so worried on the other end?" I was mid-sentence when Aaron hastily said,
  "Why? Because your sweetheart took off for Canada yesterday!" Then, I could feel my heart sinking as I quickly stopped the call, and asked the driver to turn back.

  I arrived at the airport, and ran towards the reception and asked when was the earliest flight back to Canada was. She replied that it was tomorrow morning, so I lodged in the airport waiting room after I bought the tickets back, threw my old return ticket away and waited for the flight to arrive. The flight eventually arrived and I got on hastily and went on my way, uneasily waiting on the flight. By the time I reached the airport in Canada, it was the late evening, and I was looking around for her, knowing that she would have to come to this airport if she came here. So, I waited, and sure enough she came, although I was asleep when she did.

 I had no confirmation that it was her, but only someone who knew me would bother covering me with a jacket, and the only person who fit this criteria was her. She had abandoned me, with only this jacket of hers. And at that point I knew her intentions, and I knew that we both realized that we were doomed to this fate right from the moment we laid our eyes on each other. We had chosen to fight, but this fight was almost a doomed defeat. Maybe we were never meant to meet each other, but as I saw the last plane for Malaysia fly away I waved it goodbye as if it were the last time I would be given a chance to be with her. I could almost heard Aaron's words over the wind.

  You and her are like fire and ice,

Hot like the flames, yet cold like the snow,

The gods had already cast their dice,

and you were the victims of this slow,

slow and painful, fading relationship,

and from that day you kissed her lips,

you had shown your intentions,

but you will never beat a God.

  

The road not taken.

"Which road was not taken? Which road was taken?" This is the question posed to me by a few stanzas of a poem that was presented to me, trying to sway the hearts of those who are uncertain of their path in life; trying to rouse their rational conscience and put them on the "right path". You could say this poem has many interpretations, but it is more of a personal substitution of information into the poet's foggy words. For example, one could substitute their dreams into the "paths" provided into the poem, representing the desires of someone clashing with their abilities. As such, this poem tries to push the people who are going on their desired path to the more realistic path where their life has a better chance to be more successful in comparison to the other path.

  This can lead to dire consequences to the future of our generation, especially those who are considering the artistic careers which many people describe as a constant effort to claw out of poverty while trying to get more famous or well-known. This leads to the creative dissonance of the society, as the people will only see the world in black and white- black is the creativity in which is involved in the artistic careers; white is the clearer but more repetitive style of work that guarantees your life's sustainability. As this poem gets more and more popular, it may cause the newer generation of children to stride to be more genetic and high-paying jobs rather than the more expressive jobs that involve one's ability to create a colourful life.

  What do the paths represent? They represent the struggle our generation to keep to their dreams and not to follow the words of the third-party. In the poem it shows that in order to see the resolution of a path, you must be able to commit everything you have to the cause. As such, there is no room to turn back and switch over to the other path, because we won't be able to see the resolution of that path. These paths represent our chase for our lives meaning. Are we happy with being the normal people that the society deems acceptable, or are we willing to challenge the majority to reach the resolution we have in mind? The path chosen has a lot of impact in our lives, and it is life-changing, so one should stay in the crossroads and decide carefully.

  So, what will you do? Will you stick to your path, or will you decide to change to the safer path? Either way, your decision may be able to change the world, and more importantly, will change your lifestyle forever. As it says in the poem,

          "And that has made all the difference."

 

This Is My Life

  This is my life. A pen in one of my hands and a book pressed by the other, just waiting for an opportunity to open my pursed mouth and rid myself of my scattered thoughts. The person whom I get my chances is fast asleep, lost in his dream world. Sometimes, I let my mind wander, in hopes of reaching the world where he is so often in. This world where boundaries know not of the limits of reality, or fantasy even; a world where the only boundary is the dreamer himself. This opportunity to peek into his world is not one I am to take, and neither am I easy to do so. Yet this hope- the hope of someday reaching the world where he resides, selfishly keeps me going day by day, until one day, one week, maybe even one year or more later, till I can tell him truly what I feel about him. Not just as a friend, but as a person.

  Maple eyes only visible to the sun, hair tied messily into a sad little ponytail, a nose missing its bridge, lips that are constantly pursed and a face with a sharp tip at its chin. This is me. Always have been and always will be. The polities that have been with me all my life goes along the lines of, "Keep shooting, and if you run into a blank, start throwing rocks." As most people say or comment on that quote, "That kind of life is way too optimistic," and sure most of the time I would agree with this statement. Still, there are some minor exceptions. Take today for proof. I've been dragging myself with him through the long science periods, and the short language ones. Maybe there were fun times tossed in there, but as far as I know, I didn't have much fun today. This day is the record holder for the longest time spent with him yet it felt like a depressing day overall. This friendship which is no longer a surprise to anyone though has a little twist in it. He and I, are more than just some friends, and my view is becoming very clear.

  School ends without much fuss, so he and I begin to walk separate ways- he's going towards the side gate and I'm going towards the canteen, hunting for my friend who's staying back for extra classes. He seems as normal as ever, like the "He" who already on his way back home. He has his usual pile of homework stacked up like Mt. Everest, and is burying himself until he decides to go home or go for extra classes. His name is Aaron and he sits near the front of the class, constantly fast asleep but still ends up getting the best grades in the class. Opportunities began to expand in my life because of him. Initially, he was the person who confessed to me, and made me realize who I truly liked. Of course, I turned him down, and despite his sadness, he decided to cheer me on in my quest. Those who caught wind of this are skeptical but but I'm glad he was kind enough to help.

  Aaron whose face was buried in his work, uttered a few inaudible words before starting to lift his heavy head and turning towards me. There was an awkward silence between us for a little while. Soon though, Aaron broke this by giving me a seat and going to put his mountain away, citing that this is going to be a serious talk and no interference will be allowed. Ironically, we were sitting in the garden visible by nearly every angle, and most students who waltz by will get the wrong idea if not all of them. Either way, Aaron had gone out of his way to entertain me, so I had to at least be present with him. It's just proper manners. In the end, we spent at least an hour and a half before all the talking, scolding, and advising stopped. When it did stop however, I felt mortified about Aaron's willingness to cooperate with me despite what I had done to him. Still, that wasn't the only thing I was mortified about. When I was going home, it felt like the road in front of me was splitting into an infinite number of possibilities. Which one then, is the one path of light?

  Thus, tomorrow came, as sure as I knew I would not be falling sick today. I made many careful decisions today; making sure my hair was less messy, making sure I looked well enough to be presentable. This was because the day that was on its way was going to strike someone's life hard, either his or mine. This all became a thing when Aaron invited him to the class drama practice today,to be a part of the audience and give a sense of authority for the actors. I too will be there with him, and with the approval of the drama team, I'm all clear to scout for good opportunities during the practice. Aaron says he's coming for sure, knowing that he loves to see plays and dramas, and will make an opportunist's life a thousand times easier when the person is interested in the activity that they are involved in. My real question though, is when did he suddenly like to watch dramas? In all my human memories with him, he has shown a strong dissent towards dramas, which only leads me to assume that he changed, but since when? The questions made the rest of the day more difficult to go through.

  The day went as slowly as it could, trying to stop me from this big opportunity, but finally, I arrived to the beginning of my resolution, at the school hall. The team was already starting to practice well before I arrived, and I didn't mange to see him sitting among the tiny audience of one person- me. Maybe he's running late; going out for lunch and coming back takes quite a while. While pondering the possibilities, I watched the class drama with an unerring spirit. The story although quite deep, seemed almost permeable when the actors played it out for me, making the flow of the story easier to understand overall. There are some parts that need to be worked on yes, but the play does have it's merits. The first break had already begun when I began to scope around again, and I returned my gaze disinterestedly to the stage after finding not even the shadow of him anywhere. I think Aaron felt my desperation and was trying to reach me, but he was too into his drama team to have time. So I began to move out of the hall, out into the side of hall.

  The place I was going to go to was occupied by Pak Din, a faculty member, who was cleaning the side of the halls so I escape to the empty classrooms near the school field that have long been abandoned by the school. Unsurprisingly, the rooms are dusty and musty, and on top of that have chairs and tables lying about everywhere. I was sitting down on the chair, feeling the dustiness around me, when a rustling sound echoed into the room. The walls were quite badly damaged so sounds could be heard easily from the outside, and upon closer inspection I could see a pair of feet covered by the layers of dust on the floor. A familiar voice resonated through the room, and though it did not register immediately, I knew who it was instantly.

  "This is the end of this. I want to tell her about this, before things go out of hand, but I can't find the chance to tell her ." said the familiar voice. Another voice responded back to the person,

  "Are you sure about this? You know it will not end well right?"

  "I'm sure. In fact, I even know she's listening to us right now. Come on out, you've been discovered," The voice had changed but know I knew for sure that he was him. I walked out of the class and moved towards them. He had said what he needed to say and left promptly. I was happy, but something still stung in me. The day after, I knew why. We never spoke to each other again.

Dearest Letter

Dear me in 10 years from now,

  Let's put the pleasantries aside for now, cause you know how much I hate being formal and all so with that out of the way.... Sheesh you have a long name to address to huh? Maybe that's because of the steps you've taken to make certain that you are respected, and not treated like grass in a field, but instead a pretty flower, but I'm not going to question what you've become or what you are becoming, or whether or not I managed to hit the mark in this letter. Why? Because fate is not something certain, and it sure as hell is not unchangeable, and I believe no matter how hard I, as my current self make things difficult for you, you'll be able to find your way back to where you are needed.

  First things first, how's the family? I know I've taken them for granted a little... okay maybe a lot, but deep down I know I still love them even with how irritating they may seem. I hope, even though I have a strong faith that you won't abandon them when you finally spread your wings and let yourself be carried into the life of adulthood, that you took care of them through tough times, even the ones that seem to be impossible to fix. Please, don't let them ever feel hopeless or alone, and support them, like what a true brother or son would do. I know I'm not fit to place the burden on you myself, so I'm trying my best- studying harder, being more obedient and trying to be more dependable, which I know it's only a small part of the responsibility, but I hope that you will be able to help me accomplish this.

  Now to get more serious, how's your circle looking? I'm going to admit it straight out, I know I've probably killed away your whole school years' friends away and probably my OT mates out of the picture by the time I've finished my school life. I think you would know why I did so and I can feel your anger for me through the internet data, wanting to kill me for making you have to start all over again, but I think you would understand if you just sit back and thought as I have. If you were to mix with people who would rather have you doing something else or not be with them at all, you would just leave them for their sake because you know, the whole "majority rules"  thing that the world is so obsessed with, and because you'd trade your happiness for theirs which was more than a bargain for you. Still, I'm not going to excuse myself for what I've done so I understand if you hate me.

  As we climb the serious ladder, how are YOU doing? I'm not just going to take a plain "okay" from you, I've had enough of lying to myself, so you should too. Are you feeling lonely, or are you just feeling a strong case of the blues? Are you feeling happy, or are you feeling a strong melancholy feeling? Most importantly, are you still as confused as you were before, or in my day and age, now? I know feelings are hard to understand, and I know how it feels to not understand the surges of feelings that you get, either mixed, or in unclear ways so that it can plague your life even more until you eventually let them control you instead of you controlling them. Yet, I know that through the experiences that I have, and the experiences that are coming ahead of me, you will know how to, maybe even overcome it! (Ps: Writing helps =D)

  There's still so much I want to know, like who you like, where are you living, what happened to my one true love, but I don't want to impose on you more than I already have, so I'm gonna slow down and take a step back, look at things in a different, maybe see things in a another way, then I'll write to you again? These things take time and more importantly, courage, so pray for me so that I can continue becoming more and more courageous. And that the end of the day I'm going to show you one of my works, so that you can catch up on my progress, well till next time!

Hi it's you!

 Tough times are coming,

No time for running,

So time for us to fight,

Not for others this time,

But for ourselves.

Trying

Have you ever had that feeling where no matter how hard you try to do what you do best and yet you are treated as if you were some random stranger who offered to help for nothing then immediately is tossed aside someone of a higher caliber come along and sweeps you under the carpet as if you were a rug? That was a really long question but seriously, I can understand if this happens once or twice or every now and then, but whenever the world decides to gift you an opportunity to use your skills, it decides to slap you in the face and let the others get their glory. Maybe you just suck right, I can hear echoing through the long narrow hallway of the strangers' creed. Maybe I practice and I look to books and people for advice and I do it consistently!

Seriously! The world is always spouting nonsense like, "As long you keep trying and you will reach there," or, "The more effort you put in the better your results," so that we have no room to be ourselves, and have to choose to be like some role model, or eat something that celebrities eat, or wear something trendy just to have a chance to survive in this world. The world is tough people say, and it's true. There are suicides, mass bombings, terrorism, lies, and murders for a reason, and the reason is right here where the world started- Trying. The world tries to make you invest yourself, and do it until you manage to pull out a paycheck and be independent. But that in itself is the problem, because the fact is that only maybe a tenth of the total population will be able to do that, because of the mentality we were bestowed upon.

Keep trying they said, but it really can only apply to those have talents and only to those whose talents are immeasurably tall and unbound by scales of our lives. Us normal person given talents, we just are "supporting" characters; hopeless, yet we still cling to the hope that our God, who lays somewhere far away  unreachable gives a another chance, teasing us then sending us back to where we "belong", and laughing and laughing and laughing until the fat lady sings and sets us free, from him then to someone else. So what do we do? We look to those talents, we look to the world, trying to clinging to the hope of being able to try again. We who fail, copy, like a mime, the movements of those who got their chance and got through. We mimic their
movements so we don't look so miserable, because that all that people look that- our exterior.

No one would care or bother or mind if someday you and I pass on, because guess what we're side characters. And everytime we get the chance to use the stage, it's either snatched away or to bring another person up. No one bothers about the details, they want the directs, and anything more than that and boom, off goes his head like execution day. So what's the point for average people like us to challenge the rest of the world, when the world hardly gives us a bloody chance to speak our minds! We might as well just stick with status quo, and just let the strong lead the pack. Because after all,
         
        It's the survival of the fittest right?

Last Year (2016)

Yay it's time for an obligatory "It's the new year so I have to post something up about last year" blog post! All jokes aside, this year is beginning to look like a great year for me to pick up my slack and start pushing myself to get closer to my goal of becoming a writer, who knows, maybe I can start a book that I can be proud of for a change. Anyways, it's about time I's start talking about last year otherwise it won't be much of the requirement.

 Last year was an amazing year for me, and I'm not saying that just because of obligations or tradition or some other stupid nonsense like that, but because last year was truly an amazing year for me. The year started just like any other, I go to school; I come home; I play my games; then I go to sleep. This cycle repeated sadistically until I got fed up of it in March and given the amazing chance in my Sunday School class, I leaped at the opportunity and soon, without me knowing it, my life began to snowball further and further, till I lost control of it, and it was the greatest experience I ever had.

 The people I met were so weird and quirky, and things were really messy at first while we tried to get the things going, but not a second too late did we suddenly gel together and meld into a strong foundation, on which we built ourselves onto, and did it fill us with joy, even during the struggles and the tough times we had faced, we were still met with the most satisfying happiness at the end of the day, and even more at the end of our mission, or as some of us would call it, the beginning of our journey. Still, we had our chance, so it's time for us to pass the baton along and give it to the next generation of "us".

 School-wise, I think last year I was okay, aside the fact that I didn't do my work (sorry my teachers D:) and I pretty much failed as a treasurer. I felt okay about my results and despite my parents complaining and nagging I survived it. So, I think I'm finally ready to start picking up the slack this year and push myself to be better and generally do more things rather than just, "Hey do this at ... pm," and "Come with me and let's do ...," or just sit around and play games or occasionally write about my miserable lifestyle. Now, I'm willing to finally take the chances that have been presented to me all the while.

 Last year wasn't just all smiles and laughter, but in this new year, I genuinely want to be more optimistic and look to the positives in my life, and not dwell on my pain or whatever, because I have finally taken the chance that I've been given, and nobody can ever that chance away from me.